19 September 2006

Snappy Comeback Request...

...because I'm not really that snappy. I'm looking for the ten top comebacks that a crusty detective would snarl at a person who asked if he was who he was. Here's the setting. Woman walks into Dag's office and says "Are you Dag Hamar?"

And he responds....

"Who's asking?"
"Is this Wednesday? I guess so."
"Do you have a subpoena?"

What else? Come on guys. You are all clever. What could he respond?

"Unless you owe me money- no."
"No, I'm just sitting in his office every day until he comes back."
"No, I'm the Pope. Just left the hat at the Vatican today."

"Sure, if the price is right.
"That depends. Were you in Vegas back in '92?" (replace with city and year of your choice)
"That's what it says on my licence."
"If I'm not, my mother's got some explaining to do."
"Not if he owes you money."
"For you? I'll be anybody you'd like me to be."
"No, I just like hanging out in his office."
"Well, these are his clothes..."

"Nope; I'm Mann K. Wrench. Hamar is across the way."
"Last time I checked, yeah."

"Let me check my underwear. No, apparently I'm Calvin Klein."

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"That's what it says on my door."
"And what if I am? What's it to you?"

"Arrr, no miss, I be the dread pirate Roberts. I be standin' in for Dag "the Cap'n" Hamar, 'tis his turn t'cap'n the Queen Anne's Revenge."

"That depends, are you free for dinner?"
"That's what my mother used to curse."
"No, I'm Dag. What brings your beauty to this neighborhood?"
"No, I'm here to rescue you."
"No, I just work here. Alone."
"...are you the one with the missing cat?"

"Are you DAFT?"

"No, I'm the janitor. Just felt like rifling through the paperwork."

"No, I'm his evil twin."
"No, I'm his imaginary friend."
"Philosophically speaking?"
"Do Vampire Squids eject clouds of bioluminescent mucus when threatened?" (Or any other random fact whose truth the woman would have no way of knowing)

Woman: "Are you Dag Hamar?"
Dag: "Are there purple birds flying in circles around my head?"
Woman: "So you're not Dag Hamar."
Dag: "Oh, I am. I just wanted to check."

And of course, there's always: "Nope."

The birds are really promising.

"Only if you're Ed McMahon"
"How should I know. Does anyone really know who they are?"
"So you're telling me the $95 I spent for the sign on the door was a waste, then?"
"No. Didn't you hear? They passed a law so now we all just go by our social security numbers."
"Yeah. I tried getting a replacement, but nobody else wanted the job."
"Not for long" <- extra bleakness points for that one. ->
"No, I'm Guy Noir, and you're on the third floor of the Acme building. Got one of life's persistent little questions for me?"

"Only between the hours of 6 and 10."
"No, I'm his mild-mannered alter-ego."

"Let me check." Pick up a mirror and looks at himself. "Yep. And you are...?"

"Usually not until I've finished my drink."

"No, I'm Santa."
"No, I'm your mother."
"I don't know, wait a second while I check."
"Nah, my names Eumorahn, I'm just wearing this nametag for fun."
"O RLY?"
"Are you alive?"
"No, the plaque on the door got there by mistake."

So mine is more nerdy and snarly than the rest, but...

"Are you Dag Hamar?"
"51% of me wants to tell you no and to go away. Another 33% wants to say something slighty sarcastic, like ."

"And the other 16%?"
"And the rest?" Or she could not notice the missing percent.>

"The other 16% wants to point to the name on the door and the nameplate on the desk next to the picture of me and my niece and ask you who you think would be sitting so comfortably at Dag Hamar's desk?"

"No, I'm just his hot secretary. Would you like to leave a message?"

When I'm at work and someone askes me if I'm me (er, my name), I usually look down at my nametag and say "Well, I'm wearing her nametag today."

"That depends. Are you from the IRS?"
"Only on certain days of the week."
"No, I'm Hamar Dag. Dag Hamar is on the other side of the hall."
"No, I'm his doppleganger."
"Only if you're hiding a bottle of scotch under that coat."